Attached

I have this really weird thing about me. It’s really infuriating, actually, to me and probably the person/people on the other end of this. You see, when I meet somebody new– whether it be a friend or a guy I like– I tend to get a little clingy at first. I want to text them constantly. I want to be around them constantly. I want them to be anywhere and everywhere I’m at. It’s just a little stronger when it’s someone I like or can see myself being with. Because with friends, it’s true what they say: they come and go. So will guys, I guess, but it’s a little different when it’s a mutual like and we want to start a relationship. It’s really tough not to be so clingy.
I try so hard not to be that way, and it’s not even that I get attached to the person, really. It’s more a matter of me getting attached to the idea of the person. I come up with all sorts of scenarios in my head; how things could turn out, dates, things I’d say, things I’d want him to say, etc. But that’s silly, isn’t it? It’s not unrealistic to think that way, but it’s insensible. That’s not a clear way to think early on before a relationship even starts.
It’s even more stupid when we actually start getting somewhere with the “relationship” or whatever you’d call that… I start backing off. I start pushing them away. It’s like a bandaid. You start peeling it off slowly and then completely rip it off. That’s how I push people out of my life. I go from one extreme to the other. Attached, and then I detach. Always.
I just think it’d be easier if I left people before they left me. I’m sure everyone’s intentions aren’t to walk out of my life, but a lot of people have done it so easily. But then I think, “I can’t be the only one with this mindset.”
Copy and paste all these words and implant them into someone else’s brain. They could be just as scared as I am. And just like I’m always incredibly afraid people will leave me, they’re also terrified. And by detaching myself from them or anything about them, I could be crushing every bit of hope they had left in anyone.
But wait… It’s also insensible to grieve over every loss in my life and get so worked up when I, myself, started doing the exact same thing.

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