Expendable

It’s ridiculous how much I love my boyfriend, Bobby. And though it goes against everything I believe in, he is my happiness, my joy, my smile, my laughter, my best friend, the love of my life, and just my everything. He makes me happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. But then again, he could make me extremely miserable. Let me explain.
I’ve had a rough go of it. My life has never been easy. One of the things I’ve had to endure is people walking so easily out of my life. I’m used to being the expendable person in everybody’s life, so now I expect it from everyone that crosses my path.
The first time Bobby told me he loved me, I immediately burst into tears and shook my head violently while repeating the words, “No! No you don’t!” I had so many emotions bouncing around in my brain: excitement, anger, happiness, frustration, but the most overwhelming was the feeling of fear. I drove myself insane crowding my mind with thoughts of him leaving my life already. I just don’t expect much out of anyone anymore. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not just anyone. He’s one in [insert world population here]. But I didn’t want to allow myself be loved by the most amazing guy in the world to me only to feel stupid in the end should he decide to leave. My whole world would come crashing down and I’d only have myself to blame.
The best feeling in the world is being loved by Bobby. He looks at me like I’m the best thing in the entire world. I always feel him smiling in the middle of a kiss like he’s never been happier doing anything else. He turns the music up in his truck and lightly touches my chin as he sings all of his favorite country songs to me. He holds my hand everywhere we go like he’s actually proud that I’m his girl. When he holds me, he never wants to let me go; every time I try to get up, he pulls me back and holds me tighter. He texts me every morning when he gets to work and calls me every night before he goes to sleep.  He notices the tiniest things like me switching the side of the part in my hair. He always gets excited when he talks about each new step he wants to take with me: moving in together, getting married, having children, growing old together. He’s my superman. I can call him at any time for any reason and he’ll rush to my house to comfort me with no questions asked. Goodness, I feel like I’m the luckiest girl to ever walk this earth. Being loved by Bobby is heaven.
Still, I’m in a battle with my own mind. I always ask myself how and why I’m so lucky. Then my mind automatically goes to a dark place where I start realizing that Bobby is my everything. And though he doesn’t want to ever leave me, if something ever happens that I lose him, I’ll lose everything. I can go from being incredibly happy one second to drowning in misery the next and that… THAT is what terrifies me the most. Losing everything. My everything. And I’ll go back to the feeling of February 27th when I tried to end my pain. But I handed him the gun. He can pull the trigger whenever he wants, but I gave him that control. Fuck…

Advertisements
Standard

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s