It’s crazy to think that years ago, I saw you for the first time and dropped everything: my jaw, my sense, my sanity, you know where I’m getting with this. Let me explain. My jaw dropped, obviously, because I thought you were impeccable. You were simply walking by and I just stood and marinated in all the perfection that moved flawlessly past me. I dropped my sense because, well, it’s just not very sensible to view someone as an unflawed human being knowing absolutely nothing about them. My sanity was dropped alongside my sense when I repeatedly slapped the shoulder of one of my friends and proceeded to make comments about how you were mine, and I’d marry you one day and have your babies. Of course, I was joking.
Well, half joking. Because the first time I saw you smile… the first time I heard you laugh…the first time you spoke to me… I completely lost it. I still knew very little about you, but as opposed to nothing, that’s a step up. Here’s the facts I had gathered about you in my mind:
1. You were absolutely stunning.
2. Your smile could brighten my day in a heartbeat.
3. (On the subject of heartbeats), you made mine go crazy every time you spoke to me. Even if it was a simple “hey.”
4. Your laugh was the cutest thing I’d ever heard in my entire life.
5. I had a huge crush on you.
Time progressed. You had a few relationships, I had a few relationships, and life got a little harder aside from that.
No one knew I was struggling. I was fighting my battles in silence, but still, every time you’d smile at me or even say hi, I could smile and actually mean it. You never knew this, but I’d look forward to seeing you every chance I got. Even after a couple of years went by, you could completely turn my day around with absolutely no effort. But honestly, I was intimidated by you. My best friends would urge me to just tell you how I felt, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Aside from the fact that you were taken, I didn’t feel like I was good enough for you.
Now let’s fast forward a little more. On September 8th, when you messaged me on Facebook, I went crazy. I was outside with my friends at school and I was pretty much screaming to the heavens that Bobby messaged me. (Sounds creepy, I know. Oops) Then when you told me you liked me, I swear what was left of my heart almost burst through my chest. And shortly after that conversation, for the first time in my life, I actually got to meet you.
I loved everything about our conversations. I loved the fact that we could just talk about absolutely nothing and just be content in each other’s presence. I loved how little time it took for us to care so much about each other. I loved every hug, our first kiss, the first time you held my hand, the first time you saw my scars and kissed them. And after a short time, I knew I loved you. I thought you were flawless the first time I saw you, but after actually meeting you and getting to know you better, I realize that’s an understatement.
Everything about you is absolutely amazing. I’ve said that before and I’ll say it a million more times. You are incredible. Coming into this relationship, I warned you about my depression and everything else mentally and physically wrong with me, I warned you about my scars, I warned you about the fact that I cry more than I smile, I warned you that you wouldn’t be happy with me, I warned you that I was suicidal and could, at any moment, just disappear. You told me you’d be right there with me through my depression. You kissed my scars and told me they were beautiful because they’re a part of me. You told me that from that moment on, I’d be smiling more and crying less. You told me I had already made you happier than you’ve been in a long time. And oh man, I cried so hard when you responded about me being suicidal. You told me whether it was 5 days, 5 months, or 5 years, you just wanted to spend every last moment with me. I know it hurt you to say that. I heard it. But you knew you couldn’t stop me if I were to attempt and succeed in doing so. But in that comment, I also heard truth. Just like I do every time you tell me you love me. I love when you say it. You stop, stare at me for a while, sometimes move my hair away from my face or just rub my face with the back of your hand, blink twice, and say in the softest voice, “I love you, Alex.” And it’s crazy to hear so much emotion come from 4 little words. 4 little words that have made such a big impact on me.
The fact that you’re even my boyfriend is still beyond my belief. You mean the world to me. And though I may not have much to offer, I love you with every last ounce of that. Nothing will ever change that. You make me feel so secure, cared for, loved, content, etc. And most of all, now I actually feel like I’m actually worth something. Not only because you make me feel that way, but because I made the most overall amazing guy on earth fall in love with me. And I can’t imagine any better feeling in the world than the feeling of being loved by you. ❤